"Rufus Says Chuck, Chuck Says Kathy, Kathy Says Rufus..."

And all I'm saying is What The Fuck?!!!

If you missed the 2005 VMAs last week you may not know what I'm talking about. So here's what went down: R&B renegade R. Kelly came out of the closet, and took a huge dump on stage, lyrically speaking, of course. Had to clarify, what with the history of our bad boy's boudoir behavior.

But seriously, what has been called the first ever musical saga, "Trapped In The Closet" is a twelve part song series about infidelity, the lies and deceit running rampant in the lives of two young, black couples. Desperate Housewives in the ghetto, if you will.

Kelly took the MTV spotlight, and like a miked schizophrenic on speed, played all three, or was it four, maybe five - fuck if I know - characters in the drama, which included, get this, a gay preacher! This one sleeps with that one, who cheats on this one with that one, who's been sleeping with this one who used to cheat on that one and then a gun shot, a lot of incongruous screaming back and forth and enough relationship reversals to give Jude Law a run for his money.

The poorly lip-synced performance ends with a heated kiss between the two men, a lingering silence, and then the big crowd pleaser, "I'm sorry Chuck, I'm going back to my wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife."

Oh no he didn't. Wait, yup, he did.

They always do.

But that's another blog all together.

What struck me as odd about the whole hip-hop hoopla is that we finally have a popular song, rather a popular SERIES of songs, all billboard favorites of both men and women, straight and gay, and it took a thirty-eight year old black man with twenty-one counts of child pornography to lift the veil and expose the inner workings of what most would consider some pretty heavy issues. Even if you can't follow any of them through the lyrics. And trust me, you can't.

Then again you won't have to wait too long to get the visual because R. Kelly just confirmed he's working on a stage version of the 15 chapter operetta, casting actors to play all the roles and writing the music to link them all lyrically.

Maybe in that version the gay dude wins. Then again, it's still very much hip and very much hopping to be homophobic in the rap industry. So whether it works out between Chuck and Rufus, Rufus and Kathy, Kathy and Chuck or any other complex combination therein remains to be seen.

Let's just hope they all get tested and play safe. Oh wow. Maybe that's the real message to his music. Maybe he's aiming to start a social-sexual dialogue. Get you talking, asking questions. Maybe we're supposed to stop and wonder if the guy or girl we're freakin with at the club is doing the exact same thing...

Nah. It's about dirty, adulterous sex and naked, bisexual men hiding in closets holding onto their thrusting, polished Glocks for dear life.

Yeah, that's what R. Kelly's about.