A Queer Lens For The Straight Kens

While the rest of the world continues to recover from the definitely-indefinite divorce of Nick and Jessica, another famous Hollywood couple has begun sparking rumors their off-again romance could soon be turning the lava love lamp back on -- this time brighter than ever.

That is, of course, if Ken Doll has something to say about it.

After their very public beak-up in February of 2004, Barbie and Ken have spent little time with one another, choosing instead to focus on the adjustment of living apart for the first time in years. After dividing their accumulated assets, Barbie -- who with an amazing legal counsel kept both the PT Cruiser and the Malibu Dreamhouse -- made it to the sunny beaches of California where she quickly fell head over tiny-pink heels for Australian hottie Blaine, a younger, buffer, boogie-boarding version of Ken.

Her original other half, however, avoided the spotlight, dodging the press and paparazzi and chose to hole himself up quietly in a one-bedroom apartment on New York's Upper East Side. But according to my sources at Mattel, reports have recently been surfacing of Ken hitting the streets of Los Angeles, meeting with celebrity make-over gurus and other Red-Carpet Repair-Men.

So is this part of Ken moving in on Barbie, or simply moving on?

Regardless of the outcome, rumors are swirling that the world will soon see a new kind of Ken, a healthier, better-dressed, tanner man capable of grooming himself, styling his own home and wardrobe, cooking and cleaning and becoming all around cultured in the arts, the game of romance, seduction and the fastest way to bring a woman to tears -- at least if the Fab Five get their way with him.

My advice to Mattel: if you want Ken to keep a woman like Barbie happy, you should forget about his collection of credit cards and flashy cars, and give the guy a crotch, something retractable and berry-flavored would be nice.

Oh, and don't worry about getting the proportions right this time. I don't think anyone will complain if you give Ken an unfair advantage in that department. Especially not Eduardo, his 23 year old Brazilian "roommate" back home in NYC.