Out With The Cold, In With The Flu

Everyone I know is sick.
Some try to blame it on the weather; others choose to play the "smoker's cough" card. But I'm not entirely convinced the constant state of sickness surrounding my circle of friends and coworkers isn't the effect of something bigger, something much, much worse.

Like growing up.

Throwing up is bad. Especially when you're not a Long-Island turned Hollywood Hottie. But I can't deny the urge to do it. All the time. Every morning. Before the shower, and many times in it. Let me just profess, I don't actually go through with the act. But the urge to do it is there nonetheless -- followed shortly there after by the pounding headache and a nose so runny I cashed in my pension plan to buy out stock in Kleenex.

But am I really that ill? Or is this simply a sign of my body just shutting down? Giving up? Giving in?

I asked around, coyly with my coworkers, so as not to isolate myself as the "diseased one." And as I blew my nose and gently rubbed my temples, I recognized the signs of recognition in their eyes. Each of us, calmly scanning the next, lips twitching, throats swallowing (well, those of us who still could), and though no one chose to say it aloud, we all knew the symptoms of this stoic sickness.

My doctor says it's just the flu. A cold. A sinus related ailment. And the cure: rest, fluids, healthy eating and a cool-air humidifier. But after plenty of sleep, pissing every hour on the hour and a balanced meal before balmy breezes, I still can't shake the feeling it's lying dormant. IT. Waiting. This creature haunting my body, my bloodstream. This creepy, callous cohort gliding up my nostrils, down the back of my throat and deep into the very pit of my stomach.

Allergies aside, something still isn't right. But all my tests are clean; I even got a seal of approval from my insurance company asking me to pose as the poster boy for healthy wholeness. I, of course, refused -- for how can I praise the system of health in this country when this stealth symptom of sickness continues to infect my loved ones?

No, I'm convinced there's something more here. Something none of us can stop. So if you're feeling sticky, picky or sicky, if you're waking up with the shakes, if you're fevered and furious, if your body simply seems to disagree with you on every account, you may have already been infected. You may be on your way.

You are getting old. And there's no turning back.

Just wait 'till you start farting and not notice it.