Farewell 2005: We Barely Knew Thee...

Hours before the ball drops on yet another year filled to the brim with winners and losers, shakers and fakers, let us take a look back at just a few of the Best and Worst Memories of the past twelve months:


10. The Right To Die -- U.S. Supreme Court rejects an appeal by Florida governor Jeb Bush to keep brain damaged Terri Schiavo alive against the wishes of her husband. Jeb then spends the rest of his energy paying off the powers at be to keep his belligerent 21 year old son out of prison for public intoxication, fornication with a minor and resisting arrest.


9. The Right To Pie -- After six months behind bars for her involvement with an insider trading stock scandal, Diva of Debonair Martha Stewart leaves behind her windowless cell and likewise the jailhouse nickname "M. Diddy" for a life less ordinary. In an act of wicked revenge, she then punishes the entire nation by subjecting them to her half-baked version of The Apprentice.


8. The Right To Lie -- A California jury finds Michael Jackson not guilty on all counts of endangerment, extortion and sexual molestation, proving once again if you're a wealthy celebrity in this country, you can get away with just about anything, especially if you're white.



7. The Right To Wed -- Spain's national government legalizes same-sex marriages, joining the Netherlands, Belgium and Canada as the spear-heading countries in the war for love, liberty and justice for all. In response, US right-wing evangelists called for a boycott of all European exports, particularly "Satanic Salsa," "Belgium Butt-Fucking Waffles," and Canadian-born actor Matthew Perry -- the REAL reason NBC cancelled FRIENDS.


6. The Right To Good Head -- After 30 years of sworn silence, the secret identity of our nation's biggest political mystery, Watergate's infamous Deep Throat, is finally revealed by the man himself, Ex-FBI official William Mark Felt, Sr. Most disturbing are the nicknames he gave his grandchildren: Debbie, Lola, Dirk and Little Ron Jeremy.


5. The Right To Be Dead -- The first case of the drug-resistant "Killer Strain of HIV" is reported in a 40 year old New York City gay male patient. The onset of full-blown AIDS began just months after his diagnosis, a process that usually takes seven to ten years to develop. To protest the discovery, a handful of gay men found their way to the internet and hosted candle-light sex vigils, with colorful e-vites reminding orgy goers to BYOMB - that is, Bring Your Own Meth Bitch!


4. The Right To Break Up -- What began with Demi and Bruce several years back has now become a constant onslaught of Hollywood Heartache, as celebrity couples ring in the new year by calling it quits. There's Brad and Jen, Jen and Ben, Ben and Jerry...Jessica and Nick, Nick and Paris, Paris and Paris. And let's not forget the biggest break-up of the year, Roy and Silo, the two gay penguins who after six years of remaining a faithful, loving pair, divided their Central Park assets and parted ways forever. But wait! It's not all pain and tears out there...we've got to have faith that Tom and Katie can make it last a few good years -- I hear five, if $he want$ to $ee the paycheck he promi$ed from the get-go.


3. The Right To Break Out -- Prison Break, a full hour of hot, sweaty men trapped in a tiny room together, with only one communal shower. And they want to BREAK OUT of prison? Hell, I'll trade my freedom with the entire cast so long as I get to share a cell with the sizzling Wentworth Miller. Besides the obvious eye candy, the show is actually quite good, well-acted and directed.


2. The Right To Say Good Bye -- We've had to let quite a few loved ones go this year. And though they will no longer be with us on a daily basis, the memories of good times (and TIVO reunions) will help dull the despair. Until then, so long Will. Ta-ta Grace. See ya Jack and Karen, Chandler and Monica, Ross and Rachel, Pheobe and, please, somebody, please, Joey...And with my deepest regret, may I respectfully say, Say Good Night Johnny.


1. The Right To Wonder Why -- Must I say anything more?

Happy 2006 World!