Wilma v. Wilmer: Let The Blowing Begin

As the devastation and destruction begins to envelop the helpless state of Florida, the train wreck that is Ashlee Simpson continues to plunge deeper into oblivion with the release of her latest album, I Am Me.

And I Am Not Impressed.

Perhaps the only gossip item associated with the Simpson Saga that has remote coolness left in it is the new lyrical feud between blonde-gone-black-gone-blonde again Ashlee and the equally talentless hack known to many as Lindsey Lohan.

Hey, I said REMOTELY COOL. I'm reaching here...

Apparently sharing the same boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama -- aka Fez from That 70's Show -- makes you sing stupid sappy songs about him or your control freak father and how badly you just want to grow up and do coke and then yell at people for spreading gossip about you even though secretly you eat it all up but then forcefully spit it all out into your $3000 purse when you suddenly remember a girl has to watch her figure in case she gets a chance to lipsync on Ellen or SNL or best yet, the last episode of Tyra!

FIERCE!

The only hope we have left is that both bitchy bobble-heads catch wind of this Wilma everyone's talking about, mistaking it for the midget-monkey in the middle to whom they both lay claim, and head down south to win over his lame-ass affections. Once there, they can perpetually bitch slap one another senseless until they're both sucked off the face of the planet, or drown. Either way works for me.

I can't say this isn't a biased blog. I'm still seething I paid a whole $10 to sit through Herbie: Fully Loaded, and let me just tell you now, not a single flash of Lohan's fully loaded tits!

I know what you're thinking. But hey, I Am Me.