They Say Those Who Can Still Act, Do; And Those Who Can't...Get Pregnant

Baby Watch 2006, Hollywood Edition. It seems everywhere you look these days there's a full grown belly bursting with baby-booming-goodness.

But is the most recent rise in celebrity leg-spreading just the next hottest trend destined for decay, like Uggs or Jamie Fox's career?...Or is it part of a larger conspiracy? A purposeful plan? A mission, an assignment intended to keep quasi-talented, barely-noticed actors and actresses off the streets, and further, off the big screens?

And if so, who's responsible? God? P.R. Agents? The Gay Mafia?

We may never know the truth, but we can count on extended moment-by-moment coverage of every push of every birth -- the water break, the circumcisions and yes, the inevitable, unbelievable, over-rated baby-naming bonanza.

To get a feel for what's to come, sometime in the next nine months, let's start at the top, where all eyes (and photogs) currently reign:

The Brangelina Bump
Apparently in an attempt not to anger the Gods, Angie tried to keep the expectant news under wraps for as long as possible. In fact, not even Bradly is quite sure when he officially sperminated his baby's mamma, but working backward would make it one magical night in September...

I know the entire world is expecting this kid to be the hands-down most incredibly beautiful baby ever born.



But may I remind you, fate has a way of settling all scores in the end.

Just take a good long gander at the most recent pics of supermodel Heidi Klum's supersick love-child.

Suddenly clubbing Baby Seals doesn't seem so horrid, does it?


The TomKat Kiddies
Even on ice, teeny-tiny Tom attempts to feign a flame for anyone with a working camera. And as Katie, or Kate, or Kat, or whatever the hell his cult is calling her these days, grows larger around the mighty midsection, one cannot wonder why she would risk gliding over a slippery surface when carrying the most precious of proof that her man isn't as MO as most people imagine.


But as the wise world waits for their inevitable invitation to the Late-term Pregnancy Problem Party, we gotta hand it to Holmes for her Best Supporting Actress performance on this one. Now if only she could wield those powers to the dramatic beats of an actual movie script...


The Gwyn Guts
I know what you're already thinking...Not another crack at the crazy lady who named her baby after a fruit...So I won't. I'll just mention how the only time Princess Paltrow comes back to the U.S. is to take advantage of our health care system. Some would say being a pregnant ex-patriot works for her. I'm just surprised she gets work at all.


And as for the other Gwyn-girl, she'll either be the coolest mom ever, or a snarky up-tight bitch. But with Uncle Moby babysitting, at least we're sure to get a gay kid outta one of these gals...


Most Shocking Of All...

Alright so she's not pregnant, but man...talk about letting yourself go. Word on the street is Mariah Carey has packed on more than just a few extra pounds, all for her next movie role, the much anticipated sequel to Glitter.

Working Title: Gluttonier.

No seriously, the girl's an absolute beast now.

And that, my friends, concludes our in-depth investigation into the boisterous Baby-Boom infecting Hollywood at the moment.

But before you can return to your boring, baby-less lives and pretend to be happy for all of them, remember that the true victims here aren't even here yet to be victimized. Sure, money can buy you love, and it can bring you fame; it can even get you laid. A lot. But just like money, sometimes sperm is better saved than spread around.

I hereby submit the following as evidence.