The New AOL: America's Orphaned Lesbian?

First came Dick. Then Dick came. And nine months later, out popped Mary Cheney, the openly-lesbian secretly-silenced daughter of our country's beloved Vice-President.

Now, in an effort to control literally EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, the Bush Administration's first political non-gay-gay will be taking a seat behind another big Vice, America Online's Vice Chairman Ted Leonsis, in what has been detailed as a "newly created position."

The exact description of said AOL position has been, for some time, very hush-hush, citing a need for privacy and, yes, Executive Privilege. All that's known at this point is Miss Cheney will be managing advertising, e-commerce and assisting with maintenance of the search engines for the company.

Something tells me if you run a search for Weapons of Mass Destruction now you can expect a whole different output of results.

With previous experience running a gay and lesbian outreach program for Coors Brewing Co. -- which, for the record, does not include getting girls drunk enough in bars they make out with each other -- the University of Denver business graduate will be starting her job just when over 700 AOL employees are losing theirs.

With a drop in 2.6 million members from the year before, America Online has suffered greatly in the competition with broadband internet services. Handpicked for the position, AOL spokesman Nicholas Graham said Cheney has "the skills and talent and experiences" the company and staff could use now more than ever.

Who knew there was such a burning need to build desks from scratch and put up plaster wall over there?

I send my best of lucks to both AOL and Miss Cheney, and hope that with all her new employment responsibilities she still finds time to finish up work on her yet to be published memoir of a Republican lesbian, "Mary Cheney: My Life As A Carpet...Bagger."