Hex, Lies And Videotape: New Footage Fu(ks Bush Fast & Furious-like

No, it's not another Hilton sister sex-tape. This time the saucy starlet is none other than the ominously elusive Osama bin Laden, very much alive and doing well thank you very much, still four whole years after the September 11th attacks.

Cursing the United States and our fearlessly futile leader for his mere existence in the universe, Osama warns of future violence within the U.S., as he continues to prepare Al-Qaida cells around the world for the next dreaded wave of terrorist attacks.

The White House confirms an offer was made for a "long-term truce" with what bin Laden called "fair" but undisclosed conditions between the two factions.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan immediately refused such an offer, responding flatly, "We do not negotiate with terrorists."

He then went on to remind Osama that only Academy members may nominate and vote for their favorite films in each category, with the final ballot results being held in absolute secrecy by two partners of PricewaterhouseCoopers until that last anxious moment on stage during the 78th Annual Academy Awards Presentation.

A spokesman for the Al-Jazeera television network which originally aired the footage of the feared and flagrant fugitive reports that although Osama thoroughly enjoyed A History Of Violence, he is secretly hoping Brokeback Mountain takes home the award for Best Picture, with star Heath Ledger earning the much deserved Best Actor.

And they will too, if that Philip Seesmore Eatsoften doesn't inhale the entire cast before the show. Bastard. That is, both Philip and Osama.