Farewell 2005: We Barely Knew Thee...

Hours before the ball drops on yet another year filled to the brim with winners and losers, shakers and fakers, let us take a look back at just a few of the Best and Worst Memories of the past twelve months:


10. The Right To Die -- U.S. Supreme Court rejects an appeal by Florida governor Jeb Bush to keep brain damaged Terri Schiavo alive against the wishes of her husband. Jeb then spends the rest of his energy paying off the powers at be to keep his belligerent 21 year old son out of prison for public intoxication, fornication with a minor and resisting arrest.


9. The Right To Pie -- After six months behind bars for her involvement with an insider trading stock scandal, Diva of Debonair Martha Stewart leaves behind her windowless cell and likewise the jailhouse nickname "M. Diddy" for a life less ordinary. In an act of wicked revenge, she then punishes the entire nation by subjecting them to her half-baked version of The Apprentice.


8. The Right To Lie -- A California jury finds Michael Jackson not guilty on all counts of endangerment, extortion and sexual molestation, proving once again if you're a wealthy celebrity in this country, you can get away with just about anything, especially if you're white.



7. The Right To Wed -- Spain's national government legalizes same-sex marriages, joining the Netherlands, Belgium and Canada as the spear-heading countries in the war for love, liberty and justice for all. In response, US right-wing evangelists called for a boycott of all European exports, particularly "Satanic Salsa," "Belgium Butt-Fucking Waffles," and Canadian-born actor Matthew Perry -- the REAL reason NBC cancelled FRIENDS.


6. The Right To Good Head -- After 30 years of sworn silence, the secret identity of our nation's biggest political mystery, Watergate's infamous Deep Throat, is finally revealed by the man himself, Ex-FBI official William Mark Felt, Sr. Most disturbing are the nicknames he gave his grandchildren: Debbie, Lola, Dirk and Little Ron Jeremy.


5. The Right To Be Dead -- The first case of the drug-resistant "Killer Strain of HIV" is reported in a 40 year old New York City gay male patient. The onset of full-blown AIDS began just months after his diagnosis, a process that usually takes seven to ten years to develop. To protest the discovery, a handful of gay men found their way to the internet and hosted candle-light sex vigils, with colorful e-vites reminding orgy goers to BYOMB - that is, Bring Your Own Meth Bitch!


4. The Right To Break Up -- What began with Demi and Bruce several years back has now become a constant onslaught of Hollywood Heartache, as celebrity couples ring in the new year by calling it quits. There's Brad and Jen, Jen and Ben, Ben and Jerry...Jessica and Nick, Nick and Paris, Paris and Paris. And let's not forget the biggest break-up of the year, Roy and Silo, the two gay penguins who after six years of remaining a faithful, loving pair, divided their Central Park assets and parted ways forever. But wait! It's not all pain and tears out there...we've got to have faith that Tom and Katie can make it last a few good years -- I hear five, if $he want$ to $ee the paycheck he promi$ed from the get-go.


3. The Right To Break Out -- Prison Break, a full hour of hot, sweaty men trapped in a tiny room together, with only one communal shower. And they want to BREAK OUT of prison? Hell, I'll trade my freedom with the entire cast so long as I get to share a cell with the sizzling Wentworth Miller. Besides the obvious eye candy, the show is actually quite good, well-acted and directed.


2. The Right To Say Good Bye -- We've had to let quite a few loved ones go this year. And though they will no longer be with us on a daily basis, the memories of good times (and TIVO reunions) will help dull the despair. Until then, so long Will. Ta-ta Grace. See ya Jack and Karen, Chandler and Monica, Ross and Rachel, Pheobe and, please, somebody, please, Joey...And with my deepest regret, may I respectfully say, Say Good Night Johnny.


1. The Right To Wonder Why -- Must I say anything more?

Happy 2006 World!

Who Said All Short Rich Jews Were Cheap?

Mini-Mayor Mikey Bloomberg began his morning today at City Hall by taking the official oath of office as the 108th mayor of New York Effing City.

But before the billionaire bureaucrat could begin his second term, he was required to pay the city clerk a fee -- just as every elected leader has before him since the city was first established in 1898. Originally set at 15 cents, the cost of owning the lives of every man, woman and child in this tinsel town has since been raised to a whopping $9.00.

That means you're now worth a grand total .0000011 cents!

Oh, and for the record, Bloomie's campaign manager, Kevin Sheekey, received his annual end of the year bonus today: $400,000.

WHO HEARTS NY? Show of fingers...

The Blind Leading The Blind...Part III

Which Hollywood HotorNot failed to pick up on the hypocrisy in smoking a cigarette outside a NYC Starbucks with the same hand on which an over-sized LIVE STRONG Cancer bracelet dangled hopelessly? And when asked for an explanation our skinny-mini replied there are different kinds of cancers and different color wrist bands. Hers, apparently, NOT for lung cancer.

Too bad Darling-Diva didn't have her Prissy-Sissy along side to defend the fog-filled faux-pas. Then again, she's got her own smoke-screen problems to worry about...

*** NOTE: All "Blind Items" listed on this site are from my own personal experiences, unless specified, and are not to be published or reproduced without my express permission. My reliable and inside sources are confidential, and all gossip tidbits have been verified for accuracy before publication. ***

Astronomers Study The Gas Around Uranus

And you thought your day job was unfulfilling.

An astronomer at the SETI Institute has discovered two more rings of dust and debris orbiting planet Uranus, bringing the total to a lucky thirteen.

Comparing images taken from the Voyager with those of the NASA Hubble Space Telescope, the astronomers believe planetary moons may also be found in the two new gassy clouds swirling violently around Uranus. According to the latest issue of Science journal, this will be the first addition to the ring system for the blue-balled planet in almost two decades.

In a related story, scientists in Virginia have announced their plan to study strange red bumps forming on the underside of Venus, which recently discharged a white sticky substance now hurdling through space straight towards -- wait for it -- Uranus.

The Blind Leading The Blind...Part II

Which Sopranno's star flew from LA to NY so desperate for attention he spent the entire pre-flight on his cell phone name-dropping and yelling about script changes, director qualms and his much-too-early afternoon rehearsal time?

When instructed to turn off all cellular devices for take-off, our Gregarious-Guido blew a gasket then revealed to his neighbor across the aisle he just cashed in the studio bought first-class ticket in exchange for a different flight because, you know, he actually enjoys riding in coach. No limo or car service waiting for him at the terminal either. Perhaps our bragging buddy found a super-cheap shuttle-van to take him home the last lap, you know, because he actually enjoys riding in vans...

*** NOTE: All "Blind Items" listed on this site are from my own personal experiences, unless specified, and are not to be published or reproduced without my express permission. My reliable and inside sources are confidential, and all gossip tidbits have been verified for accuracy before publication. ***

Car Wars: This Time The MTA Strikes Back!

Like most New Yorkers this morning, my day began with a few taps on the snooze button, an open-palm fist-fight with an old Greek lady for the last free cab left in Queens and a two hour long journey into the parking lot known yesterday as the Midtown Tunnel.

Sure, I could bitch and complain about the news of the city-wide transit strike like the mass media might expect. Yes, the ordeal was unnerving, soul-scrapingly sardonic. And okay fine, I was super late to work, out $68 and 42 cents in taxi, railroad and hot chocolate fares combined. But just like our blistering blackouts, with the true spirit of the Big Apple, our boycotts have brought the entire city together as one. Rich and poor, male and female, white, black and everything in between...

Speaking of, in an odd and unexpected show of solidarity with the city's protesting transit workers, Michael Jackson has just announced he too will be striking, that is, at one minute past midnight tonight, he will cease molesting young boys, at least until the subway starts running again.




In a related story, President Bush declared his unwavering intent to continually protest truth, justice and the laws of Intelligent Benign.

The Blind Leading The Blind...Part I

Which recently single starlet's photo shoot for a famously male magazine produced so many cover shots of her oh-so-skinny skeleton they had to be air-brushed to ADD body fat before going to print?
Rumor has it Modest-Goddess has been shedding the pounds since the break up, but apparently the split has derailed more than just her romantic cravings; it's damn near killed her appetite!

*** NOTE: All "Blind Items" listed on this site are from my own personal experiences, unless specified, and are not to be published or reproduced without my express permission. My reliable and inside sources are confidential, and all gossip tidbits have been verified for accuracy before publication. ***

Long Live The Queens!

According to a recent survey released by the Department Of Trade And Industry in Britain, after a series of several studies performed over the last 15 years, it has been determined only 6 percent of the entire U.K. population is gay or lesbian.

In a related story, 93 percent of the population dresses shitty and has really bad breath.




The remaining 1 percent of those surveyed is Hugh Grant.

Things That Make You Go Oy-Vey

Stop me if you've heard this one before. How many old, retired Jews does it take to operate a cell phone camera in the middle of a crowded airport?

Seven: Three to place the call, and four to sigh heavily and remind the others they could have gotten to the airport 11 minutes earlier if they had only listened to the directions and taken the expressway like they had wanted.

That's how my trip to California began. Harold and Rae bickering over whether they should check their luggage at the gate and how many times they should call their home phone just to make sure the machine was still on.

For the record, they chose to carry on all four shopping bags of semi-used tissues and oversized crossword puzzle books, but never once actually made a successful phone call from their cell.

More Cali-Coverage To Come...

Hark! The Trailer Park Angel Still Sings

As if having Britney Spears as your mother isn't going to be bad enough, little Sean Preston will now have memories of his first Christmas in a manger...a life-size nativity scene Brit-Brit and father Federline have purchased for their lavish at-home nursery.

Wax models of cows and donkeys will accompany the cradle in which baby Brit sleeps, thereby ensuring a future of unfathomable narcissism and an incurable Christ-child-complex.

Rumor has it Britney is trying to pass herself off as the Virgin Mary.

In a related story, Webster's Dictionary just announced they have redefined a "virgin" as "trashy, tasteless, talentless tart" so I guess it all works out in the end.

I only wonder who'll play the Three Wise Men? I hereby nominate Justin Timberlake for at least one. Dumping Britney has to be the WISEST decision anyone's ever made...